The Inner Pain

Ok, here goes. You hear that you will never understand the loss of mother or father if both of yours are still living. You hear people say that they don’t do anything for me anyway. The simple fact is everyday that you take a breath means that they gave you that opportunity. You may no agree with some of their actions, or some of the things they say but they are still your parents. I do not understand how you can choose not to communicate with your parents yet expect support from them. Please allow me to explain, if your life is better by their actions. Something as simple as giving you a ride, providing you an occasional meal, or even providing something that your child may need. I have lost both parents and all four grandparents and it hurts not to have the ability to even say “how are you today?.

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Is the room getting darker

Have you ever felt as if you are falling down a rabbit hole and are unable to stop. Over the past 27 years or so I have found that I average a little over 4 hours of sleep a night. Recently I have found myself going from watching the darkness of the night change to getting ready for work more regularly. Through the day you see that the constant pain in you back, legs and hands as more of an uncomfortable factor of life that just reminds you that you haven’t decided to stop the pain. You go about your day and sit back just to hope that the people that you see on a daily basis such as co-workers and even family members don’t notice the tremors of you hands shaking or the muscles spasms in your arms, legs and your upper body which occur randomly and without warning. You find yourself working from a less occupied offices or keeping the door closed in order to give the appearance that you are on the phone with the hope that no one enters.

Some days you work from your home office which helps to an extent until you realize that the tremors in you hands have begun to gotten to the to the point that it is getting difficult to use the mouse or keyboard. You find yourself seeing or speaking with family and friends less and less because you get tired of people asking if you are ok which appears to be a kind thing to say and displays some sort of concern for you, instead it is a constant reminder that you are less and less normal. Finding no enjoyment in things you did in the past. People don’t understand, yet you keep pushing.

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The Best of Me

Today is yet a day, even though I know my wife will not see this I must say what I must. I am thankful for her for more than anyone could ever understand. Most of you think I may be living a great life but everyday is a struggle. Since I returned from the Saudi, my life has been nothing short of challenging but between wife and my mother, they seemed to keep me on track. Mom got sick as we all know and passed away. As things became harder for mom, my wife stepped up even more, to not only help me but to help mom. As most people stay so focused in there own day to day they fail to see the true struggle others are going through. I know some may not care but my wife has gone through five brain surgeries in the past six years and there will be a sixth in the future. This is not for me but I ask that you keep her in prayer through all that she is going through. I love you all, and I know everyone thinks my calm demeanor means I have it all under control but by the Grace of God she keeps me on track.

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Outrage in Black America

I have been sitting back and watching an injustice to our younger generation. I see the public outrage and demand for justice behind the senseless violence taking the lives of our children. There is something definitely wrong. I heard today that the next action should be that the black police officers should go out and gun down some white children. This is where the line was shattered for me. Please do not misunderstand, I am disturbed but I see it differently. It is time for us to step up and be parents to our children as well as men and women to those to whom have never had such a luxury to have. To have a role model to look up to, to help guide and mold them into productive people within society. It is time for ours and the next generation to put aside pride and understand that even though they have gone through the biological changes in life that enables them to make a baby, they are not yet ready to raise a baby. Some time ago society allowed the notion that babies having babies was acceptable, but the failure came into this concept when those babies that had the babies were still just that, Babies. History asked a question that I am sure everyone has heard, “Am I My Brothers Keeper?” At some point the answer was “YES” but now the answer is “It is not my problem” or “It is not my business”, yet when your brother is robbing you to eat and gets killed in the process can you look into his wife or children’s eyes and say “it’s not my business”.

Yes, there is a problem within our society, but the first part of the problem is us. One man may get weary in well doing alone but if he gathers an army of like minded people to move for one purpose then he is no longer one man. We have lost our way. In our communities there is a church on every other corner yet the community knows nothing about the church. We have those that now belong to fraternities and social clubs that portray the appeared belief that they are there to aide our children, seniors, widows and orphans yet the commitment, pledge or oath was taken to gain some form of status.

Maybe and I say maybe if we can get off the couch, out the club, away from you best friends girlfriend or boyfriend, or the basement of the church playing bingo and take an interest in your community, not the physical buildings but the children, teens and elders to assist in educating our youths, then maybe? Maybe our young people will learn that they are a valuable resource contributing to a successful people to whom we must depend to stop the genocide we are inflicting upon our selves. We have lost the ability to deal with a situation without becoming violent. We don’t look at our actions and consider the consequences for tomorrow. We must learn to be who we are and not what we think others want us to be. Then, in the process maybe we can find an appreciation for life as they learn to love.

If you are offended by this message then take a long hard look in the mirror and ask why are you offended? I am not singling out any individual, political party, fraternity, church or other organization, but I beg you to read and think about this then start a conversation to figure out how to fix this.

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My Pain


Why is it that when you are dating an idiot everyone sees it but you? Why is it that when you are odiferous everyone smells it but you?

I ask those questions because, as I stated before, my days have been getting worse. I seem to be asked several times a day if I am ok by my co-workers which concerns me a little. Still under the concept that I am still holding it all together. I go to work everyday and believed that I was leading my team from the front. I have begun to notice that I am performing more of an advisor role. Last week my little princess asked me why was I doing that? I replied that I was not doing anything but sitting in the car. She said why are you shaking? At that point I did not know what was worse the fact that I was shaking or the fact that it has gotten to the point that I don’t realize when it happens? Last night I was hurting so bad that the shower was painful, yet I got up and went to work anyway. I made it til noon, and my beautiful wife had to come pick me up because the pain got to the point that my legs were numb and my feet were pins and needles. Yet tomorrow will be a great day.

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Me Visiting Me

Day after day I sit trying to understand why I feel as if I do not fit in. Somedays I find myself in a conversation, as I am speaking it seems as if I am listening to someone else. I can hear the words but I don’t feel like its me speaking. Then I find myself wondering what I said. If anyone has any idea how I feel. Wondering if others are going through the same thing? I stay in pain. The headaches are getting worse and are coming more often. There are times that I would be heading to work and find myself trying to figure out where I am. It happens as I travel to the store or taking my daughter to school. Of course I have told no one. I feel like I am visiting everywhere I go. Visiting to the point of being the awkward guy at the party that nobody knows or the new kid in school. What is happening?

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Today is an odd day. I don’t know what is going on. Well, I guess it has been about a month now, but I have not had any desire really to be around anyone. I go to work and have not felt the need nor desire to socialize. After work I just want to be left alone, so I attempt to sit in my room alone but it is really hard to do especially when you have 2 granddaughters. So I put on a smile and go on with my day. At night I sit until the pain in my head puts me to sleep. But then I have accepted that the pain is just reminding me that I am alive. Sleep patterns normally give me from midnight to 4am, as of lately it has been 1 to 3. Not that there is anything going on nor on TV, I just sit in the dark and try not to wake my beautiful wife. It seems that daily I feel like I want to be by myself and then I am attempting to not let the rage inside me show. It seems like I am constantly trying to hold back a severe case of road rage and I am not in the car. I do not know if this has anything to do with the war of am I just coming unglued. I can’t talk to anyone because they won’t understand and I don’t want to be a burden.

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How Far Have We Come

I sit an ponder things that maybe I shouldn’t. I may be off base and maybe it is only in my head. This is not intended to provoke anything but thought.

I have heard people say that racism no longer exist within this wonderful country that I volunteered to support and defend our way of life when I joined the service but the more I look it breaks my heart. I have heard with my own ears that a certain group of Americans should let go of our past and live for what you have today.

Slavery, the murder of slaves for apparently not working hard or fast enough, lynchings, and through the battles for equal rights which I personally feel is continuing are just a few things that I need to vent about. So, has racism departed from our society?

In a country that I personally have went to pay for gas and found that as I get to the front of the line to pay pre-pay for my gas for the clerk tend to every person that came in after me before me. Then waiting for over 30 minutes for my food at restaurant after everyone else received theirs, and yes it came out cold. Stopping in a town in Texas during a military convoy to be told at the National Guard Armory that we needed to make sure we were moving before it got dark because they don’t take kindly to my kind in that town. You would think that this was back in the 60s, but this was in the 90s.

Now let us fast forward to 2012. As a country we have a President of African American descent and there are certain people that refuse to refer to him by his title. He is often referred to as Obama rather than President Obama. Then we see it every day in cities across the country that young men and women of african american descent are kidnapped, beaten and even killed and society turns a blind eye. In today’s headlines is the Trayvon Martin situation which makes me think that maybe there are certain people in our society that still believe that we are still not equal. We can send a man to prison for dogfighting but when an African American male is gunned down on the street it is not even worth the time to investigate. The claim that it was self defense would have gotten us locked up and guilty until proven innocent. Maybe by moving forward we have offended some and they feel the need to bind together and fight back.

Oath of Enlistment for the Armed Services

I, (NAME), do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God.

Nowhere in there does it say only if I like you. I did not like former President Bush but he was still President Bush.

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Life Happens

There are approximately 7,130,837,900 people in the world and the number is growing by the second. This being the case how does one feel so alone amongst so many. I often wonder what makes a person popular or well liked? Is it money, friends, personality or just fate? But just because you are popular or thought to be well liked does that mean you are happy? Does that mean that you are not alone? Can you be in a crowd of people and still be alone? The human mind is complex and there are those that get degrees and learn to help people that are not in the main stream of society. But does reading a book really help you understand a persons state of mind or predict what is next for them?

Daily we live our lives with only knowing what we know of ourselves, never knowing or caring for the most part about the person sitting to your left or right? The young lady sitting across from you has on her make-up, well dress, all her friends around her and appears to have it all together. But what we do not see is that she is forcing herself to be the image that she feels her friends want her to be. She cries alone in he room because since the age of 11 her step father rapes her several times a week, she cuts herself because she is not comfortable within herself and feels as if no one will understand or care. Then there is the man to your left, his wife left him and took their kids months ago, he has been in and out of court fighting for custody, even though she is unemployed and living with her new boyfriend the system felt the kids were better off with their mother and then today he lost his job due to all the time he had missed while in court. Society tells us that a real man does not show his pain, but in his mind society has failed him and he has no where else to go. What we don’t know is that the silent pain has persuaded him to put a loaded gun in his bag and hurt as many others as he can because he hurts inside. Is that what the books tell us?

Not caring about what is happening in their lives, does that make you a bad person or do we choose to keep a blind eye to them to protect ourselves.

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Thankful for Today

Thankful for today, because tomorrow is not promised

If you have diabetes be thankful that you are blessed to see the day, not sorrowful of having the disease. If you have heart disease be thankful that you are blessed to see the day, not sorrowful of having the disease. If you have cancer be thankful that you are blessed to see the day, not sorrowful of having the disease. (Psalms 46) And those who know and love those with the sickness should be thankful because they are blessed to see them (family and friends) yet again.

We all have had difficulties in which we may have felt that no one else have experienced or understands the pain or confusion we are or were going through. Maybe we are going through it in order to help someone else through it later. Providing first hand experience that it is not a cause of extreme despair.

Daily we allow bitterness and disagreements to hinder the love for one to another. Are we promised tomorrow? Are they promised tomorrow? Are we promised time to ask for forgiveness? Are we promised the time to heal the hurt and pain we bestow on others. Selfishness and foolishness hinders love. Not impossible but more difficult.

Rejoice and appreciate those around you, at any moment you can be inspirational to others. Young or old, friend or foe, known or unknown, intensional or not intensional. God has placed us in this place at this time for a purpose. Even though we may be unaware of our purpose GOD has a plan.

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